You're asking me where do I see myself in ten years.
By then I will be 30. Gross, I can't even think about me being 30. But I'm hoping I'll age nicely and still be able to wear what I want to wear anytime, anywhere. I'd still be into fitness, or more of, I'd be into fitness more. We'll run marathons and take on new workouts regularly. Ten years from now I'm sure I can already differentiate what actually looks good and what I only think looks good. My eating habits would have already been better (hopefully, I turn vegan) and I'll cook for you whenever I have the time. All yoga poses would already be in my heart and I'll force you to meditate with me every now and then.
Ten years from now, I'd probably still be in law school. I feel like I really need/want/am destined to go to law school but my time just isn't now (or maybe it is, I don't know, whatever). It would be painful to balance everything but you'd buy me choco chip muffins and tea lattes so I'll get by everyday. By then I'd be done with my graduate course on Women and Development already and I'd have gone to various places in the country (and out, if my bank account permits) for volunteering opportunities. By then, my desire to live a happy hippie life would have already been fulfilled. By then, I wouldn't just be a young girl in your eyes; I would be a grown-up, a possible partner 'til the world ends.
Ten years from now, I'm sure we'd already have our own family. You, me, and a little kid in our own little sanctuary. We'd have our own cars and we won't have a stay-in housemaid because that is just slavery. We'll need help of course because we wouldn't be able to handle cleaning the whole house and all the other chores everyday what with all the responsibilities in our individual and consolidated plates. We'll have to depend on our extended families every now and then but we'll manage to keep our independence.
Ten years from now, I wouldn't be writing blog posts to no one anymore because I'd already, finally be sure that you are mine and I am yours. My online life wouldn't have to be a little bit superfluous anymore because my real life with you would really, truly be awesome. By then, when I am 30, I'd finally, truly be able to say that I am happy.
Oh, right. You asked me about MY future.
Disclaimer: This conversation may or may not have been imagined. The dreams and hopes in here may or may not be true. Judge me.
Showing posts with label future. Show all posts
Showing posts with label future. Show all posts
Monday, January 23
Saturday, December 31
To you, the person I'm destined to kiss every New Year's Eve (except this year's or the next few)
Because I have been reading a lot of year-end posts, of letters to no one, of notes to self, and just because I just spent another holiday season with no romantic affiliations with anyone, I decided to write you a letter.
Don't get me wrong, you; I am in no hurry to "start a life with someone" because truth be told, my life has already been rolling -- rolling hard and endlessly at that (and can I just say that my plate is so full, literally and figuratively). I am young and a lot of people, my mom and my boss included, have reiterated that fact over and over.
But I am sure, you, that when you finally come into my life (or when I finally come into your life), when the balls of fate have finally decided that it is time, everything would be perfect and everything would be in it's place. My youth, or your youth, or whatever else wouldn't matter because nothing would ever be wasted and everything would count. And if ever you do get to read this, I am sure, dear you, that you would see this as hopeful and romantic and not just being idealistic because I am young.
And if ever you get to read my other posts, you, I am sure that you would always and forever reassure me that my writing is just fine, heck, it's awesome despite the grammatical errors and unlikely length and construction of sentences, because you would understand that more than appreciation, what I need is the constant push that I can write despite the lack of experience and training.
You probably see now that I have the tendency to be needy. You have also probably noticed that I've got a lot of issues. Yes, my beloved I do; from commitment issues, to abandonment, to anxieties - name it, I might have it. I am an exaggerated mess and my feelings are never constant. But these are not the things that make me.
So here's to hoping that I don't scare you away. I am sure that you are someone who wouldn't mind that I am this and that because you, too, are a lot of things. Here's to hoping that we will always and forever seek each other, because anything less for us both is just unacceptable.
Here's to hoping that we spend hours after work burning calories and flabs with new sports and adventures to try, that we share egg muffins or bagels and drink all sorts of teas for breakfasts, that we watch romcoms and snuggle in theaters or kickass action films to keep our adrenalines running, that we regularly study together, and I mean really study, or just read books in coffee shops and eat all the sweets we can find, that we encourage each other to finish our bucketlists (assuming that you already have one, if none, I can make you one), that we travel together and volunteer around the world, and a whole lot more because all that I am really hoping for is that we complement each other so that we may be able to be the best version of ourselves with and because of each other.
Truth be told, I still have this hope that you are already somebody that I have already met (and is just not here right now because the story says so, though the ending remains that you'd be with me, and I'd be with you). If not, well then why don't you just kill me now. Kidding aside, if you, my dear you, isn't the one that I am hoping to be with, that's just alright because I know that the universe knows better and we have already been promised for each other.
I may be tired of being alone and I honestly cannot wait for you to get here (or for me to be there) but for that which has been promised for us that is true and divine, I will. Screw gendering and ideologies, as much as I want to be politically correct all the time.
Yes I sound cheesy and highly unlikely to be myself, but for what it's worth, I meant every word of this post. Like really. Or at least that version of myself which is drunk with Lays and sweets.
PS. I don't need you to be perfect; I just need you to exist.
Don't get me wrong, you; I am in no hurry to "start a life with someone" because truth be told, my life has already been rolling -- rolling hard and endlessly at that (and can I just say that my plate is so full, literally and figuratively). I am young and a lot of people, my mom and my boss included, have reiterated that fact over and over.
But I am sure, you, that when you finally come into my life (or when I finally come into your life), when the balls of fate have finally decided that it is time, everything would be perfect and everything would be in it's place. My youth, or your youth, or whatever else wouldn't matter because nothing would ever be wasted and everything would count. And if ever you do get to read this, I am sure, dear you, that you would see this as hopeful and romantic and not just being idealistic because I am young.
And if ever you get to read my other posts, you, I am sure that you would always and forever reassure me that my writing is just fine, heck, it's awesome despite the grammatical errors and unlikely length and construction of sentences, because you would understand that more than appreciation, what I need is the constant push that I can write despite the lack of experience and training.
You probably see now that I have the tendency to be needy. You have also probably noticed that I've got a lot of issues. Yes, my beloved I do; from commitment issues, to abandonment, to anxieties - name it, I might have it. I am an exaggerated mess and my feelings are never constant. But these are not the things that make me.
So here's to hoping that I don't scare you away. I am sure that you are someone who wouldn't mind that I am this and that because you, too, are a lot of things. Here's to hoping that we will always and forever seek each other, because anything less for us both is just unacceptable.
Here's to hoping that we spend hours after work burning calories and flabs with new sports and adventures to try, that we share egg muffins or bagels and drink all sorts of teas for breakfasts, that we watch romcoms and snuggle in theaters or kickass action films to keep our adrenalines running, that we regularly study together, and I mean really study, or just read books in coffee shops and eat all the sweets we can find, that we encourage each other to finish our bucketlists (assuming that you already have one, if none, I can make you one), that we travel together and volunteer around the world, and a whole lot more because all that I am really hoping for is that we complement each other so that we may be able to be the best version of ourselves with and because of each other.
Truth be told, I still have this hope that you are already somebody that I have already met (and is just not here right now because the story says so, though the ending remains that you'd be with me, and I'd be with you). If not, well then why don't you just kill me now. Kidding aside, if you, my dear you, isn't the one that I am hoping to be with, that's just alright because I know that the universe knows better and we have already been promised for each other.
I may be tired of being alone and I honestly cannot wait for you to get here (or for me to be there) but for that which has been promised for us that is true and divine, I will. Screw gendering and ideologies, as much as I want to be politically correct all the time.
Yes I sound cheesy and highly unlikely to be myself, but for what it's worth, I meant every word of this post. Like really. Or at least that version of myself which is drunk with Lays and sweets.
PS. I don't need you to be perfect; I just need you to exist.
Wednesday, December 28
To you, my beloved 2012 self
2011 has been crazy full of ups and downs. I cried a lot this year because of laughing so hard and feeling so much. Forgive me for the cliche but only one thing remained constant all year and that is change. Change is actually the highlight of my 2011.
This year, I went from being a college, sorority girl to a bum daughter to a premature MA student and finally to a full time Communications Officer. Despite the fact that I am already earning, I lost my independence, or at least the independence that living alone gave me. I gained a different sense of independence though when I had to bring myself alone to the hospital because my right knee gave up on me.
Admittedly, I lost touch with a lot of things, with people even, but all is well, now or maybe eventually, because I will be leaving this year with stronger relationships with those people who truly matter, with those who actually need me, want me in their lives, and those that I cannot live without, especially my mudrakels.
I grew up -- I started to want different things and actually achieved different things. I learned and relearned a lot about myself, about what I can do, about what I cannot. I allowed myself to know pain, to feel weak, and to fully accept my vulnerability because I finally opened myself up to a person (the "unfortunate" events and decisions that followed aside) and to people who really bothered. Now, I am coming out of this year knowing that I can still get what I want, when I want (e.g. lose weight).
I made plans for the future-future and the future-now. I began to see the life that is ahead of me. Lady luck and good fate were on my side this year though as even the littlest things that I have always wanted came to me in the most unexpected places and moments. So now, I tell you 2012 self, despite the long bucketlist, despite the life plan, despite the foreseen future, I remain standing in this shaky ground that is uncertainty, all so different from when I started 2011.
I started 2011 knowing how my year will go by. I made a lot of detours but I still ended up exactly where I pictured myself and more (e.g. lost the development internship in Taiwan, gained a different lovely experience). Now however, I have no visual image of how my 2012 will fall into its place.
I am not sure if you, my 2012 self, will still be working with your current organization by the end of the year, or maybe you would just randomly, instantly feel like finally doing some volunteering halfway around the world. I am not sure if you would continue with your MA, despite the empowerment that it gives you constantly, because you want to achieve a lot but you already have a lot in your plate. I feel like this 2012, you will be going on a hiatus and live a hippie life, but knowing you, and the plans that you have already made (e.g. putting up a small business before the year ends), I am not sure.
But I am sure, 2012 self, that by this time in your year, you will be incredibly and obviously happier because you will finally allow yourself to go by freedom and passion. You now have a complete grasp over the things that you feel you need and the things that you feel you want. I have already posted a lot of do's and dont's in our bedroom wall so I do not need to remind you anymore of anything.
I am not sure if I should tell you to know what you really want and just follow your heart because nobody can ever really do that. You have invested so much on thinking about a lot of things, it's time 2012 self to just be. Just be.
Sincerely,
Your chocolate-filled, hormonal, and pressured 2011 self
This year, I went from being a college, sorority girl to a bum daughter to a premature MA student and finally to a full time Communications Officer. Despite the fact that I am already earning, I lost my independence, or at least the independence that living alone gave me. I gained a different sense of independence though when I had to bring myself alone to the hospital because my right knee gave up on me.
Admittedly, I lost touch with a lot of things, with people even, but all is well, now or maybe eventually, because I will be leaving this year with stronger relationships with those people who truly matter, with those who actually need me, want me in their lives, and those that I cannot live without, especially my mudrakels.
I grew up -- I started to want different things and actually achieved different things. I learned and relearned a lot about myself, about what I can do, about what I cannot. I allowed myself to know pain, to feel weak, and to fully accept my vulnerability because I finally opened myself up to a person (the "unfortunate" events and decisions that followed aside) and to people who really bothered. Now, I am coming out of this year knowing that I can still get what I want, when I want (e.g. lose weight).
I made plans for the future-future and the future-now. I began to see the life that is ahead of me. Lady luck and good fate were on my side this year though as even the littlest things that I have always wanted came to me in the most unexpected places and moments. So now, I tell you 2012 self, despite the long bucketlist, despite the life plan, despite the foreseen future, I remain standing in this shaky ground that is uncertainty, all so different from when I started 2011.
I started 2011 knowing how my year will go by. I made a lot of detours but I still ended up exactly where I pictured myself and more (e.g. lost the development internship in Taiwan, gained a different lovely experience). Now however, I have no visual image of how my 2012 will fall into its place.
I am not sure if you, my 2012 self, will still be working with your current organization by the end of the year, or maybe you would just randomly, instantly feel like finally doing some volunteering halfway around the world. I am not sure if you would continue with your MA, despite the empowerment that it gives you constantly, because you want to achieve a lot but you already have a lot in your plate. I feel like this 2012, you will be going on a hiatus and live a hippie life, but knowing you, and the plans that you have already made (e.g. putting up a small business before the year ends), I am not sure.
But I am sure, 2012 self, that by this time in your year, you will be incredibly and obviously happier because you will finally allow yourself to go by freedom and passion. You now have a complete grasp over the things that you feel you need and the things that you feel you want. I have already posted a lot of do's and dont's in our bedroom wall so I do not need to remind you anymore of anything.
I am not sure if I should tell you to know what you really want and just follow your heart because nobody can ever really do that. You have invested so much on thinking about a lot of things, it's time 2012 self to just be. Just be.
Sincerely,
Your chocolate-filled, hormonal, and pressured 2011 self
Wednesday, October 26
Happiness is a state of mind
Hi. My name is Erika, I'm turning 21 eventually, and I am at the happiest that I have ever been in my entire life.
No, this isn't just one of those brief (and seldom) moments wherein I'm feeling so overjoyed one second then the next thing you know I'm a hot ball of mess. No, I am truly, generally, very happy (and grateful) with where I am in my life right now.
Well for one, my first semester in MAWD just (technically) ended today. I survived! I would very much like to talk about how these first five months of supposedly being a feminist completely overhauled the life that I have already been living for two decades but that's a whole other story deserving of a whole other blog post.
Anyways, during our short dinner-cum-celebration a while ago, my classmates told our professor that I finally have a real, full-time job. They started to ask questions so I eventually talked about it. Then that's when it hit me - I really have a job now. I have a job; I'm finally growing up.
2011 has not even ended yet and already it has brought a lot of changes in my life. Among these things: I graduated from college, enrolled myself to a graduate program specifically studying about women, realized my potential as a development advocate, actually thoroughly planned for my future, strengthened my faith and spiritual relationship, actually committed to a healthy lifestyle through diet and exercise, got a job that I really like, and allowed myself to feel again and be vulnerable.
It has not been an easy ride. I encountered a lot of self-doubt, uncertainty, frustrations, and lost hopes but the bumps along the way are more than worth all that I have right now. I am secure; I am truly happy. I have changed (hopefully for the better) and I would like to think that I am a lot closer to the self that I have been envisioning for a couple of years now.
But the problem with attaining such sense of being complete, of utmost happiness, is the what comes after. It's not necessarily about that pessimistic thinking that something bad might happen because there should be balance in nature. It's more of now that I'm here, what do I do next?
Hence the birth of this blog. If you'd search for my name through Google, at least ten pages of links of my social networking accounts will flood your screen. I can't say that I won't abandon this one just like how I abandoned the many others (commitment issues, another thing that I should write about in the future) but what the heck. Truth be told, I am at the happiest that I have ever been.
No, this isn't just one of those brief (and seldom) moments wherein I'm feeling so overjoyed one second then the next thing you know I'm a hot ball of mess. No, I am truly, generally, very happy (and grateful) with where I am in my life right now.
Well for one, my first semester in MAWD just (technically) ended today. I survived! I would very much like to talk about how these first five months of supposedly being a feminist completely overhauled the life that I have already been living for two decades but that's a whole other story deserving of a whole other blog post.
Anyways, during our short dinner-cum-celebration a while ago, my classmates told our professor that I finally have a real, full-time job. They started to ask questions so I eventually talked about it. Then that's when it hit me - I really have a job now. I have a job; I'm finally growing up.
2011 has not even ended yet and already it has brought a lot of changes in my life. Among these things: I graduated from college, enrolled myself to a graduate program specifically studying about women, realized my potential as a development advocate, actually thoroughly planned for my future, strengthened my faith and spiritual relationship, actually committed to a healthy lifestyle through diet and exercise, got a job that I really like, and allowed myself to feel again and be vulnerable.
It has not been an easy ride. I encountered a lot of self-doubt, uncertainty, frustrations, and lost hopes but the bumps along the way are more than worth all that I have right now. I am secure; I am truly happy. I have changed (hopefully for the better) and I would like to think that I am a lot closer to the self that I have been envisioning for a couple of years now.
But the problem with attaining such sense of being complete, of utmost happiness, is the what comes after. It's not necessarily about that pessimistic thinking that something bad might happen because there should be balance in nature. It's more of now that I'm here, what do I do next?
Hence the birth of this blog. If you'd search for my name through Google, at least ten pages of links of my social networking accounts will flood your screen. I can't say that I won't abandon this one just like how I abandoned the many others (commitment issues, another thing that I should write about in the future) but what the heck. Truth be told, I am at the happiest that I have ever been.
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