21 before I'm 21

So yes, I already am 21. But I feel like there is a hell lot more that I need to do, to say, to experience, to feel before I can finally claim that I am 21.

I always say that I am prematurely growing old and up -- faster than the supposed, one step before everyone else -- and it is not at all a good thing. I still don't know what I want and often times I find myself asking, "WTF am I doing here?" More often than not, I regret that I didn't leave as soon as I could, or that I didn't say what I should have. Whut, where did that come from?

Anyway, as if I don't have enough pressures on myself already, here are some stuff that I believe I should do, say, experience, and/or feel first before I can finally say that I am 21.

1. Drive.
2. Fly alone.
3. Read a classic.
4. Attend a concert of a local artist.
5. Fall so passionately in love with something.
6. Volunteer, for real.
7. Read the Philippine Constitution.
8. Wear a bikini to the beach.
9. Watch a movie in black and white.
10. Be inspired by a talk.
11. Engage in a sport.
12. Change hair color.
13. Cut hair short or have it permed.
14. Wear heels during the day.
15. Buy a gadget.
16. Find a "creative" hobby.
17. Craft.
18. Cook.
19. Reread and put to heart the Magna Carta of Women.
20. Get a tat.
21. Get so furiously mad.

Expect that this list will change. Or not. And be forgotten. Like last night's thoughts and wants.

The obligatory birthday post in lieu of the International Women's Day

I (finally) turned 21 last Sunday and the way I celebrated that day had me thinking and looking in an all new perspective.

21 days before I turned 21, I was planning to throw a kiddie party for some children in Subic. Unfortunately, my academic schedule (and steep bank account) would not permit me to do so, so I thought of having the day to myself. I have been trying to look for silent retreats, days of cleansing, all other activities just so I could feel the "surreal" but none would ever fit into my calendar.

And then I realized, why all these pressure to do something worthwhile and memorable on my birthday? Am I really celebrating the fact that I am just/already 21 years old?

I have got no freakin' answer for any of my freakin' questions so I stopped thinking and flowed with life until the clock stroke 12, March 4 while I was in a car with my sorority sisters, driving along Katipunan Extension, looking for a good place to drink and meet people. Why don't we just stop at that? Let us not discuss further what went on after 12 midnight. I can say this though: my family brought me to a place where there is not much vegetarian choices for my birthday lunch. So much for making it my day.

So what was my point again when I started writing this? Oh yes, I'm 21, I always feel so pressured to celebrate my birthday, I put high expectations on people who never fail to disappoint, and I am nowhere far from the person that I was when I was 20, aka March 3.

But this is not to be ingrata. If you have been reading my blog for a while now, you would see how thankful I am to the universe, to all these people in my life, and to myself for making me the happiest that I have ever been (or so I think). It's really just that birthdays now feel like they are just for kids.

Birthdays are overrated. Violence against women (children and the environment) is not. Here's to hoping that we make everyday women's day. Now where did that come from.

10 years? That's a decade.

You're asking me where do I see myself in ten years.

By then I will be 30. Gross, I can't even think about me being 30. But I'm hoping I'll age nicely and still be able to wear what I want to wear anytime, anywhere. I'd still be into fitness, or more of, I'd be into fitness more. We'll run marathons and take on new workouts regularly. Ten years from now I'm sure I can already differentiate what actually looks good and what I only think looks good. My eating habits would have already been better (hopefully, I turn vegan) and I'll cook for you whenever I have the time. All yoga poses would already be in my heart and I'll force you to meditate with me every now and then.

Ten years from now, I'd probably still be in law school. I feel like I really need/want/am destined to go to law school but my time just isn't now (or maybe it is, I don't know, whatever). It would be painful to balance everything but you'd buy me choco chip muffins and tea lattes so I'll get by everyday. By then I'd be done with my graduate course on Women and Development already and I'd have gone to various places in the country (and out, if my bank account permits) for volunteering opportunities. By then, my desire to live a happy hippie life would have already been fulfilled. By then, I wouldn't just be a young girl in your eyes; I would be a grown-up, a possible partner 'til the world ends.

Ten years from now, I'm sure we'd already have our own family. You, me, and a little kid in our own little sanctuary. We'd have our own cars and we won't have a stay-in housemaid because that is just slavery. We'll need help of course because we wouldn't be able to handle cleaning the whole house and all the other chores everyday what with all the responsibilities in our individual and consolidated plates. We'll have to depend on our extended families every now and then but we'll manage to keep our independence.

Ten years from now, I wouldn't be writing blog posts to no one anymore because I'd already, finally be sure that you are mine and I am yours. My online life wouldn't have to be a little bit superfluous anymore because my real life with you would really, truly be awesome. By then, when I am 30, I'd finally, truly be able to say that I am happy.

Oh, right. You asked me about MY future.

Disclaimer: This conversation may or may not have been imagined. The dreams and hopes in here may or may not be true. Judge me.

How to be a zombie

Or the bored person's guide to not sleeping and other unhealthy habits. (Or, it's just being a zombie is more fun in the Philippines.)

What you need:

1. A real, challenging job
2. 6 units of graduate studies
3. An unequivocal desire to lose weight
4. People in your life

What to do:

1. Wake up on a Wednesday morning feeling like you can conquer the world because of the good phrases that your bosses have provided you with. Get some work done and head out for your errands.
2. Go to a lunch function full of lawyers and not say a word. What the F is litigation? Try to look your best and smile but spend your time eating and tweeting.
3. Attend a meeting for a project that you have very little background with for the first time. Get some smoothie and muffin and freeze your brain out before the meeting does.
4. Go get some dinner with your colleagues. Talk about your personal dating life and forget about the hierarchies at work for one. Think about tomorrow, tomorrow.
5. Decide to go home when they said they will do some walking around first. Realize that you have a book report that was due a week ago. You have not started writing about that yet.
6. Waste no time and start writing your book report. Thank God you made notes while cramming all the readings you made last weekend and a little last holiday vacation.
7. Down your first cup of coffee.
8. Write like there is no tomorrow until your hands are shaking because you'd realize that it is already 3 in the morning and you need to get some sleep. You are not finished with your report yet.
9. Sleep for a few hours and go back to writing. Cram, but with class like ho a graduate student would do it.
10. Panic because you have a meeting with your boss in a few.
11. Finish your paper but leave the conclusion open. You cannot think anymore.
12. Go to Seattle's and order a big breakfast. You will feel like you deserve all these food because you are not in college anymore and your body cannot handle all-nighters.
13. After the meeting, walk around Tomas Morato to look for your event's venue. Don't mind the scorching heat of the sun.
14. Go to your office for another meeting. Finish off some tasks as you wait for your partners.
15. Down your first bottle of energy drink.
16. Leave the meeting prematurely because you have to cram for your graduate class.
17. Write an epilogue for your paper and cram reading abut women's work and globalization in less than an hour.
18. Attend a feminist class that discusses women's work vis-a-vis globalization and its relation to the sexual division of labor.
19. Feel your brain cells dying, one by one.
20. After class, wait for a jeep for an hour. Be thankful for the fact that you have people.
21. Realize that you have not decently eaten anything since 10am. Find food and talk to your older cousin about her complicated love life.
22. Read around Thought Catalog and waste time on the internet.
23. Finally decide to sleep. It is not for the weak.
24. Wake up in the morning after 7ish hours and feel like getting a drink. Indeed, sometimes, little sleep equates to increased productivity compared to complete sleep.