To you, the person I'm destined to kiss every New Year's Eve (except this year's or the next few)

Because I have been reading a lot of year-end posts, of letters to no one, of notes to self, and just because I just spent another holiday season with no romantic affiliations with anyone, I decided to write you a letter.

Don't get me wrong, you; I am in no hurry to "start a life with someone" because truth be told, my life has already been rolling -- rolling hard and endlessly at that (and can I just say that my plate is so full, literally and figuratively). I am young and a lot of people, my mom and my boss included, have reiterated that fact over and over.

But I am sure, you, that when you finally come into my life (or when I finally come into your life), when the balls of fate have finally decided that it is time, everything would be perfect and everything would be in it's place. My youth, or your youth, or whatever else wouldn't matter because nothing would ever be wasted and everything would count. And if ever you do get to read this, I am sure, dear you, that you would see this as hopeful and romantic and not just being idealistic because I am young.

And if ever you get to read my other posts, you, I am sure that you would always and forever reassure me that my writing is just fine, heck, it's awesome despite the grammatical errors and unlikely length and construction of sentences, because you would understand that more than appreciation, what I need is the constant push that I can write despite the lack of experience and training.
 
You probably see now that I have the tendency to be needy. You have also probably noticed that I've got a lot of issues. Yes, my beloved I do; from commitment issues, to abandonment, to anxieties - name it, I might have it. I am an exaggerated mess and my feelings are never constant. But these are not the things that make me.

So here's to hoping that I don't scare you away. I am sure that you are someone who wouldn't mind that I am this and that because you, too, are a lot of things. Here's to hoping that we will always and forever seek each other, because anything less for us both is just unacceptable.

Here's to hoping that we spend hours after work burning calories and flabs with new sports and adventures to try, that we share egg muffins or bagels and drink all sorts of teas for breakfasts, that we watch romcoms and snuggle in theaters or kickass action films to keep our adrenalines running, that we regularly study together, and I mean really study, or just read books in coffee shops and eat all the sweets we can find, that we encourage each other to finish our bucketlists (assuming that you already have one, if none, I can make you one), that we travel together and volunteer around the world, and a whole lot more because all that I am really hoping for is that we complement each other so that we may be able to be the best version of ourselves with and because of each other.

Truth be told, I still have this hope that you are already somebody that I have already met (and is just not here right now because the story says so, though the ending remains that you'd be with me, and I'd be with you). If not, well then why don't you just kill me now. Kidding aside, if you, my dear you, isn't the one that I am hoping to be with, that's just alright because I know that the universe knows better and we have already been promised for each other.

I may be tired of being alone and I honestly cannot wait for you to get here (or for me to be there) but for that which has been promised for us that is true and divine, I will. Screw gendering and ideologies, as much as I want to be politically correct all the time.

Yes I sound cheesy and highly unlikely to be myself, but for what it's worth, I meant every word of this post. Like really. Or at least that version of myself which is drunk with Lays and sweets.

PS. I don't need you to be perfect; I just need you to exist.

To you, my beloved 2012 self

2011 has been crazy full of ups and downs. I cried a lot this year because of laughing so hard and feeling so much. Forgive me for the cliche but only one thing remained constant all year and that is change. Change is actually the highlight of my 2011.

This year, I went from being a college, sorority girl to a bum daughter to a premature MA student and finally to a full time Communications Officer. Despite the fact that I am already earning, I lost my independence, or at least the independence that living alone gave me. I gained a different sense of independence though when I had to bring myself alone to the hospital because my right knee gave up on me.

Admittedly, I lost touch with a lot of things, with people even, but all is well, now or maybe eventually, because I will be leaving this year with stronger relationships with those people who truly matter, with those who actually need me, want me in their lives, and those that I cannot live without, especially my mudrakels.

I grew up -- I started to want different things and actually achieved different things. I learned and relearned a lot about myself, about what I can do, about what I cannot. I allowed myself to know pain, to feel weak, and to fully accept my vulnerability because I finally opened myself up to a person (the "unfortunate" events and decisions that followed aside) and to people who really bothered. Now, I am coming out of this year knowing that I can still get what I want, when I want (e.g. lose weight).

I made plans for the future-future and the future-now. I began to see the life that is ahead of me. Lady luck and good fate were on my side this year though as even the littlest things that I have always wanted came to me in the most unexpected places and moments. So now, I tell you 2012 self, despite the long bucketlist, despite the life plan, despite the foreseen future, I remain standing in this shaky ground that is uncertainty, all so different from when I started 2011.

I started 2011 knowing how my year will go by. I made a lot of detours but I still ended up exactly where I pictured myself and more (e.g. lost the development internship in Taiwan, gained a different lovely experience). Now however, I have no visual image of how my 2012 will fall into its place.

I am not sure if you, my 2012 self, will still be working with your current organization by the end of the year, or maybe you would just randomly, instantly feel like finally doing some volunteering halfway around the world. I am not sure if you would continue with your MA, despite the empowerment that it gives you constantly, because you want to achieve a lot but you already have a lot in your plate. I feel like this 2012, you will be going on a hiatus and live a hippie life, but knowing you, and the plans that you have already made (e.g. putting up a small business before the year ends), I am not sure.

But I am sure, 2012 self, that by this time in your year, you will be incredibly and obviously happier because you will finally allow yourself to go by freedom and passion. You now have a complete grasp over the things that you feel you need and the things that you feel you want. I have already posted a lot of do's and dont's  in our bedroom wall so I do not need to remind you anymore of anything.

I am not sure if I should tell you to know what you really want and just follow your heart because nobody can ever really do that. You have invested so much on thinking about a lot of things, it's time 2012 self to just be. Just be.

Sincerely,
Your chocolate-filled, hormonal, and pressured 2011 self