Katy Perry understands me best

A lot has already written about their the one that got away. You know, those could-have-beens and what-ifs with those people that they willingly allowed to leave their lives because of something so temporal and probably stupid.

A few years ago, I was also writing about someone whom I thought was my the one that got away. Boy was I so wrong to think such. My the one that got away left literally and figuratively just recently.

I know, I promised that this is going to be a happy blog and no more random rants and rambles but I need to be human. Please let me be. Now, cue Katy Perry.

You know how people will always say to people who feel broken, "focus on yourself", "see other people", "be busy"? That's bullshit for me; because after everything, at the end of the day, you end up hoping that you could share all those things with somebody special who would appreciate it all as much as you do. What's worse, you actually end up dreaming that someday or somehow you could share it with that exact same person who caused your breaking.

Yes, you will feel occupied. You can run through days, even weeks or months, without even thinking about the could-have-beens, or even the person - but it all ends. One day, you would just realize that you've taken so much of what you really want, of what you really feel inside for granted that when they explode on your face, you end up starting again from wherever it ended. Or worse, even a couple of steps back further.

And what about that see other people shit? Stop the one that got away, cue thinking of you.

You see other people, you end up crying right after because you would realize that the person that you really want to be with cannot be with you anymore, or worse, doesn't want to be with you anymore, that they've stopped trying. You may want to try to make it work with another person but at the end of it all you would realize that them all would just be settling because you've already found what you wanted, what was perfect for you, what was happiness, but everything was so blissful that it was taken away so easily.

And now they're telling me that I should not settle. What do I do with my life? I have so much in my plate but I still end up wishing for that cookie in that unreachable jar.

I just wish I could go back to being that person who was content with just herself. I didn't have a job then and I was 10 lbs. heavier but I didn't feel shit whenever I was stuck in EDSA traffic because I had no memory of holding someone's hand while waiting for the cars to move yet. I was alright with bringing my own jacket whenever it's cold but now I just feel lonely because he once lent me his when I was feeling sick. I didn't mind not receiving any texts before I sleep and when I wake up and now I just feel unimportant to anyone because he used to call me every night even if we really have nothing to talk about. It may sound shallow and pathetic and all these may just be one-sided now but it hurts. I'm hurting again and it sucks.

"O, e anong magagawa mo? Meron ba? Tanggapin mo na lang na ganyan talaga. Marami ka pang pagdadaanan na mas mabigat, marami pang darating na hindi na aalis. Alam mo naman kasing aalis na from the start, tinuloy mo pa." - Mudrakels

I don't know why I just wrote all of this. I got no point, I got no conclusion. I'm actually feeling the urge to just delete everything, because it's easier. It's crazy how attached I got (or at least how attached I am feeling right now). I don't remember a lot anymore. Often times I have to check out his profile to remember his face and look through our pictures to actually believe that things happened. But, I'm just sad and truth be told I'm hoping that he gets to read this just so he would know that I still think about him so much and I'm still waiting.

I should check my period calendar. It's just probably that time of the month.