To you, my beloved 2012 self

2011 has been crazy full of ups and downs. I cried a lot this year because of laughing so hard and feeling so much. Forgive me for the cliche but only one thing remained constant all year and that is change. Change is actually the highlight of my 2011.

This year, I went from being a college, sorority girl to a bum daughter to a premature MA student and finally to a full time Communications Officer. Despite the fact that I am already earning, I lost my independence, or at least the independence that living alone gave me. I gained a different sense of independence though when I had to bring myself alone to the hospital because my right knee gave up on me.

Admittedly, I lost touch with a lot of things, with people even, but all is well, now or maybe eventually, because I will be leaving this year with stronger relationships with those people who truly matter, with those who actually need me, want me in their lives, and those that I cannot live without, especially my mudrakels.

I grew up -- I started to want different things and actually achieved different things. I learned and relearned a lot about myself, about what I can do, about what I cannot. I allowed myself to know pain, to feel weak, and to fully accept my vulnerability because I finally opened myself up to a person (the "unfortunate" events and decisions that followed aside) and to people who really bothered. Now, I am coming out of this year knowing that I can still get what I want, when I want (e.g. lose weight).

I made plans for the future-future and the future-now. I began to see the life that is ahead of me. Lady luck and good fate were on my side this year though as even the littlest things that I have always wanted came to me in the most unexpected places and moments. So now, I tell you 2012 self, despite the long bucketlist, despite the life plan, despite the foreseen future, I remain standing in this shaky ground that is uncertainty, all so different from when I started 2011.

I started 2011 knowing how my year will go by. I made a lot of detours but I still ended up exactly where I pictured myself and more (e.g. lost the development internship in Taiwan, gained a different lovely experience). Now however, I have no visual image of how my 2012 will fall into its place.

I am not sure if you, my 2012 self, will still be working with your current organization by the end of the year, or maybe you would just randomly, instantly feel like finally doing some volunteering halfway around the world. I am not sure if you would continue with your MA, despite the empowerment that it gives you constantly, because you want to achieve a lot but you already have a lot in your plate. I feel like this 2012, you will be going on a hiatus and live a hippie life, but knowing you, and the plans that you have already made (e.g. putting up a small business before the year ends), I am not sure.

But I am sure, 2012 self, that by this time in your year, you will be incredibly and obviously happier because you will finally allow yourself to go by freedom and passion. You now have a complete grasp over the things that you feel you need and the things that you feel you want. I have already posted a lot of do's and dont's  in our bedroom wall so I do not need to remind you anymore of anything.

I am not sure if I should tell you to know what you really want and just follow your heart because nobody can ever really do that. You have invested so much on thinking about a lot of things, it's time 2012 self to just be. Just be.

Sincerely,
Your chocolate-filled, hormonal, and pressured 2011 self